Baring my soul

I honestly don't know who reads this except for my friend Em who always leaves a comment. And Em already knows so much about me that most days I'm amazed she's even willing to be my friend. When I started this blog thing I thought of it as a kind of journal. I mean yeah, it's kind of creepy in a way that anyone can look at this and I'm honestly thinking of taking this one private but it was a good way to leave a kind of record and to stay in touch with long distance friends and family. (Can we say run-on?)

Until now, however, I've been hesitant to really open up. What if someone is reading this that is going to judge me and hate me, yadda, yadda, yadda? But I'm done with that. People reading or not this is my journal and sometimes I just need to open up and bare my soul. If you are a total creep and you're reading this please leave!

As you know if you've read anything on my blog I have four boys ages 7, 4 and twin 17 months olds. I have been married for nine years to the most amazing man that I have ever met. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and I have a testimony that it is the ONLY true church. I know this with all my heart, might, mind and soul. My Savior, Jesus Christ suffered and died for me! On a regular basis I have to remind myself that not only did He suffer and die so that I can repent and be forgiven, He also suffered each real (and imagined) thing that I struggle with. This is going to sound ridiculous but when I feel like I'm going to go crazy if I have to change one more poopy diaper I can be comforted in knowing that He knows exactly how I feel. I really believe that.

I just wish I didn't seem to forget it on such a regular basis. In all honesty, my life is so so good. I am blessed beyond what I ever imagined possible. And yet every day, so many times a day, I forget this. I get stressed and overwhelmed, feeling like I can't make it through one more minute. I start feeling like I'm being buried under a mountain of responsibility. Budgeting, debt, trying to buy a house, laundry laundry and more laundry, dishes, millions and millions of messes, piano and voice lessons, dirty diapers, getting E to do his homework, getting E to practice piano, soccer, preschool, my calling in Young Women, my calling as Choir director, DE's three callings, DE's work, getting my kids fed, dressed and bathed each day, getting Andrew potty trained, being a good wife, going to the temple, doing visiting teaching, teaching my kids, playing with my kids, reading to my kids, food storage, family prayer, family scriptures, having my kids say their own prayers, saying couple prayers, saying personal prayers, exercising, eating right, making healthy balanced meals, trying to be a good friend, yard work, house work(oh, maybe I mentioned that one but I think it deserves being mentioned twice;), keeping my car clean, gardening, canning, taking care of myself, finding time for myself, spending at least 15 minutes each day with each child, story time at the library, helping in the classroom, being prepared, developing my talents by writing, practicing the piano, practicing my singing, practicing guitar, crafts, and of course always striving to be more like our Savior. And that's just what I could think of off the top of my head! I'm sure I've forgotten a million things I should be doing.

And of course it is so so easy for me to find every single thing that is wrong with me and that I'm failing at. But what it comes down to is that I won't be perfect at everything today. My kids ate dinner, even if it was Mac and Cheese. They know that I love them even if they didn't each get their own 15 minutes with Mommy. We didn't read scriptures tonight but we did say prayer and I read them a story before bed. My car and house are dirty, my laundry isn't done, I missed story time at the Library, my garden is pathetic and I refuse to even think about canning, and that's just to name a few! However, my kids were all dressed and clean(ish) today, I had a blast teaching preschool this morning and loved hearing Iz and O laughing along with the rest of the preschoolers. Andrew is FINALLY almost potty trained and doing very well in preschool. And I have achieved the one goal that I determined for myself a while ago. I feel that I did better today than I did yesterday. I have made a difference(I hope) in the lives of my family and others. And my testimony is stronger today than it was yesterday.

So welcome to the inner workings of this very imperfect soul. If you made it this far I want to tell you that you are amazing! I really truly hope that you will hear more from me because it sure feels good to write and get all this out just like it was a real true journal. I'm only doing it because I can't get myself to actually write in a real bonified pencil and paper or word document journal. And if I can help motivate or touch one life out there it's worth it.

Too bad you all know how imperfect I really am now. Oh, well. Good night.